'What's Your Problem?'
Once upon a time, there was a well-fed polar bear who wanted to care for his less fortunate neighbours. He came across an Eskimo family shivering around a few smouldering embers. He ambled in and to their horror, sat down on the embers which promptly fizzled out. But the bear did not notice. Instead, he looked around and asked: 'Now, what's your problem? Maybe I can help!'
The institutional church is my problem! I have always loved my faith, but in our time the Church makes it hard going. 'The Church is always in need of reform' says Vatican Two (Ecumenism, 6) and this remains true because many of its key decisions were not implemented. The institutional Church finds it hard to 'read the signs of the times' as Jesus asked (Mt.16:3). It does not manage change smoothly. It seems uninterested in listening to the needs of the People of God. Lay persons, and especially women, are excluded from significant decision making. Parish pastoral councils in Canon Law are at best only consultative. The People of God have no say in the choice of their leaders at any level. Hence the image of the bear comes to mind when the Church acts insensitively and just 'doesn't get it'. Like the bear, the Church sits on the embers of faith and the fire fizzles out. Like the Eskimo family, many Catholics walk away disconsolate, 'as sheep without a shepherd' (Mk.6:34).
Account for your Hope!
As a child, the Church provided rich guidance to the local Christian community of which my family and I were a part. Our faith was fostered by many caring priests and religious. Being a Christian and a practising Catholic were then identical for me. I sang in the local Church choir from the age of six and loved it. I enjoyed my First Communion breakfast provided in the local convent. I attended Miraculous Medal devotions with my mother and loved when as a family we went to Mass and participated in Holy week and Easter ceremonies. Candles, bells, incense, processions and sacred music all drew me into the mystery of God in a simple and compelling way. I married with a total trust that the 'grace of the sacrament' would sustain us through every difficulty. With great faith and optimism, I proposed that Jesus be constituted Chairman of the family's new business which in the recession of the eighties ran into financial difficulties. It was of course naïve to expect Jesus to deliver us from banks and other creditors and I realised that I needed to move on from this naive faith.
After I reared my two children, I gave up a livelihood to undertake study my Christian faith further. Why? Because I valued my faith. It had given purpose and meaning to my life. A line from the first pope summarised my desire to know my faith better: 'Always be ready to give an explanation to anyone who asks you for a reason for your hope' (1 Peter 3:15). I have always lived in hope. It has sustained me until now and please God will do so till the end. With the financial help of some Congregations, male and female, I became theologically literate through nine years of rigorous study as a mature student. Attending lectures, doing mountains of reading, writing assignments in the early hours was demanding but so enriching. St Anselm describes the study of theology as 'faith seeking understanding' and I can say 'Amen' to that. I am grateful to God for those years.
Thankfully, women can be involved in Church ministry if not in its decision making! In Knock I coordinated a Guided Prayer Ministry for eleven years. I was a third-level Chaplain, and also, supported by Archbishop Connell along with a willing team of clergy, lay and religious women and men, coordinated the Dublin diocesan Advent prayer initiatives for eight years. Our vision was to develop 'a praying diocese'. Great things were achieved and people's Christian faith was enriched and in some cases restored.
What Now?
Now, with the Church discredited through the scandals of clerical child abuse and its cover up, I have to dig for deeper roots to nourish and sustain my faith. My anger and sense of betrayal have led me to toy with the slogan 'Jesus yes, Church no!' But it won't do for me, because being a Christian and a practising Catholic remain interwoven. My relationship with God in Jesus Christ needs a mature spirituality which answers the question, 'What does being a Christian mean to me in practice?' Through my studies I have found rich wells of nourishment within the 2,000 year old Christian tradition. I am also blessed with the company of some like-minded pilgrims on this journey.
I stumbled on Ignatian spirituality in 1982. It has enriched my life and challenges me daily to 'find God in all things' even in my frustrating Church! My grandchildren give me a sense of wonder at what God is up - they are a constant source of contemplation. My kitchen window looks out on God's creation, where birds and flowers and grass and weeds do their orderly thing.
Mass remains centrally important to me, and I pray in the early mornings while lying awake. I call out to my God for direction and help or am simply present to the One who, I believe, loves me as I am. According to St. Ignatius, we Christians are invited 'to love and serve in all things.' This phrase challenges me to reach out, to serve where there is need. Jesus loved the 'anawim'- the vulnerable 'little ones' in society. He listened, asked them what they wanted, and served them rather than being overbearing.
Make Us Grow in Love!
Finally, at Mass I pray for our pilgrim Church itself! 'Lord, remember your Church throughout the world. Make us grow in love, together with our pope, our bishop and all the clergy.' But then I get irritated again because that prayer ignores the People of God who ARE the Church, and who serve the world by revealing God's love in the most ordinary situations. And so the grinding and the hollowing go on in me. Yet in spite of a shattered trust in my church, God's unwavering love gives me strength to go on believing in the person of Jesus Christ!